Showing posts with label College. Show all posts
Showing posts with label College. Show all posts

Thursday, October 29, 2020

Fall weather

 

October makes me think about school. And school makes me think about trees and songs and coffee and walks with a boy I (secretly) loved and goodbyes I thought were inevitable. Thank God I was wrong.

October snow
It snowed that day,
the quiet kind of snow, the kind
that feels like dandelion fluff
floating on the wind.
Outside was white and gray
and red brick
and green grass tips
and October. I wore a black dress
and leggings, because of the snow
and a smile
because of the snow and the boy
who wanted to walk in it with me
even though he and the snow
don’t get along.
I said he’d learn to appreciate its beauty.
He said maybe.
It was cold, but we only felt it
against our clothes.
The snow smelled clean
and slowed the space around us
as our feet swept up dandelion fluff
on the sidewalk.
I said I didn’t feel
any strangeness between us.
We had been friends from before the beginning
of things.
He smiled. A dangerous thing,
that smile. Like a flame had been lit
behind his eyes.
It was beautiful and real
and sad,
like the snow on his eyelashes,
like the air on a late October day,
like his warm hands around mine
and finding excuses to stay
just a bit longer.
Time taunted us. We couldn’t
stay. Not forever.
So we created forever in that moment,
in all the unfilled spaces of our lives
in every glance reluctantly hidden.
Our words spelled love
in every way but one.

He was worth the cold and I
was worth the snow
and we were worth the pain
of letting go.

Thursday, June 25, 2020

An open letter: to the person I can't forgive

I’ve never had this problem before. I’m a very forgiving person.

To me, grudges take too much energy to maintain, and they serve no purpose except to make the holder angrier still, bitter and vindictive.

But I have a grudge against you, one that’s been pretty easily buried for the last couple years. I don’t see you every day. I don’t see you ever. I don’t have to think about you.

But when I do… I’m still angry, and I’m struggling to understand why.

I thought I forgave you two years ago. Two years ago, when I was in college and you were my professor, when your words ripped through me like a hundred barbed arrows, unexpected, harsh, and cruel.

When you went after me with accusations and bitter words.

When my friends defended me, and you used their support to label me a troublemaker, a rabble-rouser, an insignificant and inexperienced child who would never succeed in my future if I didn’t learn proper respect. When my only crime was asking questions that made you uncomfortable.

The memories of those weeks, tormented by the thought of being under your thumb, terrified of speaking in class because of your venom, bring tears to my eyes even as I write this.

I’m still angry. And I’m still hurt by what you did.

Those horrible weeks went by, a new semester started, and the conflict between us was supposedly settled. I saw that you were trying to leave it behind, and I struggled to re-enter your classroom with grace. I struggled not to judge you, not to remember every evil word you’d said to me. I struggled to see your humanity, your own pain, your own brokenness that had led you to treat me this way. I struggled to forgive.

And you never apologized.

You never saw me for who I truly was, in those moments when you wielded your power over me.

You never knew the anguish you’d caused, the tears that consumed my nights, the trauma I relived every time I came into your classroom, every time your name was spoken in a conversation.

You never knew the desperation I felt, enough to seek help from another professor, just so that I wouldn’t have to meet with you alone again. You never knew the strength it took for me to meet your eyes and say hello to you in the hallway. You never knew how hard I was trying to let it go.

I don’t think you ever realized how much you hurt me, and I never had the chance to tell you.

I never had the chance to say, “you have hurt me deeply,” and see how you’d respond. I never even had the chance to say that I forgave you, despite the pain you caused me. I never had the chance to get any closure. We never had that chance, and I’m pretty sure we never will.

I want to let it go. I do. And contrary to what you might feel if you ever read this, I don’t hate you. I love you. I want you to know you are valuable, you are not your mistakes, you are loved by your Creator.

I want you to know I see you, and I’m sorry for the hurts you’ve had to carry. I’m sorry for the anger that seeped out along with my honesty, in writing this letter to you. I’m sorry I’ve ever spoken ill of you when I should have spoken with love.

I’m sorry I’ve been so angry with you for so long. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to let it go.

I think maybe the only way for me to start forgiving you is to be honest about how hurt I really am, and have been, for so long.

And I don’t need you to apologize to me, not anymore. I don’t need you to feel like you ruined my life. I just want you to understand and know yourself more deeply. I want you to make peace with yourself and with God, like I rely on His grace to do every day.

I want you to understand me better, and to know I’m trying to love you the way Jesus does, that even though my heart feels hardened against you, I’m asking God to soften it. To help me grow past my own sinful anger and pride.

You’ll probably never read this, and that’s okay. But the words we speak and write matter, so here are my words for you: you are forgiven. Even if it’s a conscious choice I have to make whenever I think of you, I’m choosing to forgive you. I hope you can forgive me.

Samantha

Monday, May 4, 2020

Spring Wishes

In the spring, there are few places I’d rather be than at Nebraska Wesleyan University. This is the first year since 2016 that I haven’t spent the spring there, and it’s hitting pretty hard. I’m missing my favorite trees, and the purposefulness of studying.

Also, today is the anniversary of my husband’s and my engagement, so maybe I’m just feeling extra wistful.


Three Days

You loved it there–

being forced to wake up

before the clouds had a chance to rise

off of the grass,

and walk to class, clutching things

you hoped you knew.

The trees in spring

spoke in half-thoughts and secrets;

they rustled in expectation:

You will make great discoveries.

You will find the truth

strained through tired eyes.

Possibilities reached up tendrils from the dewy earth,

drifted, gossamer-silent, in fragrant dunes,

drawing you beyond windows,

leaving behind unfinished stories.

Perhaps you are a ghost now, lost among dusty volumes,

sighing in the forgotten corners of rooms

that once rang with your singing.

You were alive there.

You were fervent, you were a fountain.

Now, frozen in winter like Debussy’s naiades.

Will you

sing again?

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Different versions of alone

Today I moved into my dorm at school. This year I’ll be living on the basement floor, and I’m working as one of the Resident Assistants in my building, so I had to get here early. No one else will be moving in for the next two weeks.

My sister used to go to school here, but she graduated last year (congratulations!). It felt strange watching her get in the car with my mom and little brother after helping me move in. I’ve never seen her drive away from this angle.

On my last day at my summer job I met a woman who told me about her late husband and how she’s spent so much time talking to his photograph since he died (this poem is dedicated to her). That’s a loss I’ve never known, but I have known loneliness.

 

Someone to Talk to When You’re Alone

I’ve never been alone–

at least, not in that sense,

the white-walled, sick-scented aloneness

of a life once shared.

Days punctuated by relentless breaths

and the sudden, icy shock of realization

that dulls like apple cores left out

overnight. Sending

bottled messages over an ocean of dead air,

so many now you’ve lost count,

stopped bothering to seal them tightly.

They tumble through the silence

to shatter on life-filled frames,

leaking out sighs against the glass

that puff out of sight,

dissipating like clouds of forgetful cigarette smoke.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Wheels turning

 I don’t know, sometimes I get morbid on the way to class.

 

Getting Hit by a Garbage Truck

Have you ever thought about

what it might feel like?

One minute, walking along

through the cold whiteness of the morning

 

stepping down

off the curb, and suddenly

it hits you like an unscheduled fire drill

plowing over the life in your coat

with blunt metal corners

and wheels bigger around than your torso with its bones

all breakable.

They crackle against the ground

like bubbles under a rolling pin

releasing pressure, red escaping

as though all the twigs and branches

of your body

want to become their own trees

rebelling against the confines of your skin

so loud you can’t even feel it.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Just Say No

 Drug-Free Day

A woman from the hospital

brought in two lungs-

one pink and healthy,

one blackened and shriveled, an ironic bezoar-

and showed a score of grade-schoolers

how to reanimate them at will

with the push of a pedal.

She spoke of mortality in terms of

cigarette smoke

and they listened with morbid curiosity.

 

When it came to be their turn,

a score of grade-schoolers

pulled latex gloves over their own life-filled fingers,

one by one, approached the displaced organs

and unflinching, pedaled bursts

of room-temperature air,

inflating, deflating,

in grim determination to make them breathe again.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Revisiting

 Over the summer I’ve missed a lot of things about college. The pianos. The independence.

The food (ha, just kidding).

But the thing I think I’ve missed the most was how simple it was just to take a peaceful stroll around campus late in the evening. The stars are so much more visible out here, as opposed to in my fairly large hometown, where you have to drive for twenty minutes to find a dark enough place for stargazing.

This summer I’ve missed the closeness I feel-to myself, to God, to the trees-during those nighttime walks. I’ve missed the stars and the poetry they’ve inspired.

But guess what? Now I’m back.

 

Night Campus

Without the sun it’s the same world.

 

The same trees line the same sidewalks,

branches draping just so

leaves still breathing out the same sigh of oxygen

that occupies the same space,

breaks against the same stark corners

and weathered window frames of the same

dignified edifices.

 

The same, and yet unfamiliar world-

a closer world lit by moonlight

and nocturnal lampposts

with the same sky, only bluer.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Here's to moving on

 For the past nine months, I have occupied a basement room in a four-story residence hall on my college campus, and it’s been like living in a dank cave.

A dank cave whose walls soak in and regurgitate the smell of your neighbor’s spice-heavy vegan food.

I wish I could tell you that it’s been cave-like in a super mysterious and magical way. That I found a portal to Narnia by pressing a certain cinder block with two fingers of my left hand. That I’m actually a superhero with an underground lair.

I wish I could tell you that I got through this year without having to defend myself against the spawn of Shelob in the middle of the night (although, I suppose fighting demon spiders would count as “mysterious and magical”). But that dream was not to be.

When I wave this place goodbye tomorrow, I will have no regrets about wonders I’m leaving behind.

 

Cave-dweller

My cave has none of the usual charm.

Where gleaming stalactites might hang, ever reaching,

my cave boasts, instead, blinding fluorescent bulbs

that leave no corner unexplored.

No shred of battered sunlight struggles to meet my eye

through volcanic fissures ascending to unknown heights.

Rather, ergonomic strips of rotating plastic

are its filter.

My cave holds no grotto, no

untouched cavern with raw gemstones glittering,

no long-kept secrets of shadow and flame.

No dwarf worth his salt

would deign to glance twice at

my cave, with its lack of gold veins ready for piercing,

or columns of granite on which to carve

the grim, stony faces of his forefathers.

He would move on to distant lands,

where mountains’ steep cliffs rival skyscrapers-

palace walls for a subterranean king.

Friday, April 22, 2016

What we can learn from Kindergarteners

 Observing an elementary class for my education degree was not something I thought I’d find enjoyable, but surprisingly, it’s been a major source of inspiration and general musings for me the past few months. And my takeaway from that is…

…we should all try a little harder to find that inner child.

I mean, little kids are so funny and obnoxious and honest. They always tell it like they see it. They only lie when it amuses them. Like little imps of compressed bluntness and mischief.

And they make great subjects for poetry.

 

Cell-mates

This little boy’s hair

is spiky,

like his personality.

He swaggers past,

returning a scoff

for my smile.

I’m just another motivational poster

on the wall.

But two minutes later,

his sass banishes him

to the red chair in my corner.

 

I feel a grudging kinship

to this boy

and the isolated corner we share,

both watching through a screen,

present, but not participating.

 

Once, many report cards ago,

I was the obnoxious one,

frequenter of that dreaded seat

in the corner.

The evil eye was

my weapon of choice, then,

but by now,

I’ve learned to wear my solitude

like a well-loved sweater,

as a quiet observer,

content in my banishment.

 

He,

on the other hand,

wears gel-spiked hair

full of frustrations.

And having no pen

with which to graffiti the surface

of his desk,

lets fly his stinging arrows aloud.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Drums in the Deep

 Our story begins… with a dull, distant pounding.

But before that, me. Alone.

In the seemingly empty music building, whose doors had just been locked tightly from the outside by one of the campus security guards.

I had traveled there with the intention of getting in some late evening practice (yes, I’m trying to break my chronic Netflix habit). Beethoven in hand, I marched down the stairs toward the lounge, where reside some of the comfiest couches in the land. Beyond this cozy scene, two separate hallways with lights dimmed stretch into the bowels of the basement. There lie the practice rooms–one of which, down the hallway on the right, contains a certain temperamental Steinway I am quite fond of.

It was there, as I contemplated the inadequate lighting of the hallway on the right, that I first heard it.

An irregular, booming thud like that of a deep kettle drum, emanating from somewhere toward the end of the hallway, where a set of precarious stairs leads backstage of the auditorium. I stopped, gaze fixed on the encroaching darkness ahead, and listened.

There it was again. Boom, clank, like the chains of Jacob Marley dragging across the stark tile floor. And again. Each consequent thud reached my ears sooner–and louder–than the last.

I shifted one Birkenstock-clad foot forward, questioning my life decisions.

First of all, why had I chosen Birkenstocks? Those lazy slip-ons are definitely not conducive to running for one’s life.

Secondly, I found myself actually contemplating an investigation of the strange and otherworldly thudding sound. At the end of a dark hallway. While sporting a pair of Birkenstocks.

Did I mention that the ill-lit hallway only got progressively darker as it led on? That the glowing red exit sign at the top of the stairs shone down like the maleficent eyes of a Balrog of Morgoth? That the now-rhythmic thudding seemed to echo my own heart, which had just begun to pound in mild terror?

Did I mention it was dark?

Boom, clank.

Visions of primordial beasts, and Phantoms with acid-scarred faces, and maniacal serial killers ran through my mind. I was definitely not going to investigate. In fact, I was going to leave. Go back home. Probably watch some Netflix.

Just as I reached this conclusion, a tall, dark figure appeared at the end of the hallway. The figure pointed a bright, piercing light in my direction, as two of its fellows crept after it into the darkness. I froze.

Boom.

Clank.

The figures turned toward me, and I hoped with my entire being that those were cell phone flashlights, and that they were people (preferably of the non-maniacal sort).

“Do you hear it too?” one of the figures shouted toward me.

I slumped inwardly with relief. It was a person. A male person. Its comrades were two girls, who laughed nervously, trying to pretend like they hadn’t been as irrationally terrified as I had.

“Yes,” I said, moving forward, toward the very welcome feeling of companionship. If I was going to die, I’d at least have another human there to die with me.

“Oh, good,” said the male person. He was wearing a yellow hoodie. A beacon of hope.

Boom, clank.

All three of them then turned toward the stairs. Looking around at each other, wielding their battery-draining cell phone lights, they began to ascend that treacherous stair with its gleaming red exit sign. I followed, somewhat reluctantly–but now that I had companions, the whole thing seemed more adventurous.

We made it to the top of the stairs, miraculously still alive. The exit sign now appeared to me less evil–made it easier to plan my escape route.

BOOM. CLANK. Yes, we had definitely gotten closer to the source. It seemed to be coming from behind the wall.

“Why am I so scared?” said the shorter of the two girls. She laughed again.

“Because, this is like a horror movie,” said the other one.

“Maybe it’s a cave troll,” I added helpfully. Yellow Hoodie moved to open a side-door of the auditorium.

If this were a horror movie, I would think we were all idiots, I thought. But of course, now my curiosity had been thoroughly piqued. Could it be that some monumental, towering creature, restricted for too long to the tiny space of a nondescript “storage closet,” had finally decided enough was enough? Could it be that, within these aged brick walls, a portal, a channel to some other dimension, had sprung into being? Was this, perhaps, the work of aliens?

BOOM.

CLANK.

More likely it was the plumbing, or something equally as anticlimactic. After all, the music building is not known for its newness.

Now the door was open, revealing the extra-dark, extra-creepy auditorium. Through the gloom, row upon row of empty seats peered at us with cold, unfeeling eyes.

Sticking our heads out the door, we glanced around. Nothing appeared to be out of order.

Except that the thudding continued, unrelenting–Boom, clank–more mysterious now that there was clearly no one on the stage banging things around, like Peeves the poltergeist mischievously trying to scare some college kids.

I was now distinctly fascinated–and unnerved. My coincidental comrades were just as dumbfounded.

“I’m thinking we go back now,” I said, and they all agreed heartily. We returned (me somewhat disappointed) to the lounge, whereupon Yellow Hoodie called a security guy to come check out the building.

Sure enough, as soon as Security Guy arrived, the thudding began to tone itself down. He was, needless to say, not impressed. Armed with a mess of keys, he went off to investigate. For a few minutes we speculated as to whether or not he would survive if this were a real horror movie. The general consensus was that he would not.

Later on, Security Guy returned the lounge, where I sat unaffectedly checking messages on my electronic device. He informed us that it had just been the thousand-year-old boiler kicking on and rattling some pipes.

The news was mildly deflating. I mean, obviously I was glad that there was no threat of pipe explosion, nor psycho serial killer, nor Balrog. The fact that Security Guy made it back alive was indeed a comfort.

But sometimes, I rather prefer to believe in the improbable.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

The Art of Observation

My adventure for today, as recorded mentally from a rather comfortable park bench toward the edge of campus:

I “smelled the trees and the nature,” as our favorite Office nincompoop Dwight Schrute would say.

I heard the constant hum of the busy street several blocks away, and the yells of neighborhood kids brought on by their apparently intense game of basketball.

I heard the laughter and frustrated groans of a couple about my age, trying out the frisbee golf course.

I heard birds sing and cars rev, bare tree branches rustle as winged residents came and went, the breeze stirring up leaves that had been incarcerated under a heavy blanket of snow only a few days ago.

Walking from there to here, I felt freshly thawed earth under my thin-soled shoes.

I saw no fewer than thirteen squirrels, doing whatever it is they do when it feels like spring in the middle of winter.

I counted three bird nests, five examples of modern outdoor sculpture, and four white cars, one of which drove past twice-maybe their GPS gave them some bad advice.

I glimpsed what seemed like a second sun, filtering through a window in the clouds to create a rainless rainbow.

 

I occupied that park bench for a grand total of forty minutes. There was nothing to read and no one to text, but it wasn’t boring at all-because I was making an effort to focus on anything but myself. Just sitting on a park bench, imbuing sunlight, listening to the sound of the world surrounding me.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

What happens when I have the day off

 A quick overview of an average day off for me:

  1. I sit in a chair all day reading, watching Netflix and alternately munching snacks/feeling unhealthy.
  2. I get fed up with sitting around and think about going outside.
  3. I realize it’s freakishly cold outside, but then counter that thought with, “Hey, the sun’s still out, so it can’t be that bad!” (I am wrong.)
  4. Even my lovely jaunt in the frigid Nebraska air leaves me feeling like a blob. And sometimes, that blobby feeling is all the inspiration I need.

 

Stained-Glass Sky

Today I stayed in.

Alone with my desk chair

and a mug of instant cocoa,

plowing purposefully through a novel

purchased mere days ago.

Pausing every now and again

to observe the time

and acknowledge the sun’s

steady migration toward the base of my window.

 

Eventually the story ended

(alas, so it goes)

and with that

my restlessness returned, so,

thinking to catch the sunset,

I shrugged on my overlong peacoat

and traveled across campus,

a modern Victorian Lady

complete with Converse and jeans.

The journey was arduous

as wind mercilessly exploited weaknesses

in my winter armor

but still,

worth it.

 

Alighting on steps that overlook parking lot

and sorority house

I intercepted my prize,

its last rays peeking through

a net of iron-forged trees

that framed it perfectly,

like a delicate work of lace

against the dying blue sky.

Monday, January 18, 2016

On Travel

 I’ve never been able to sleep in automobiles. No matter how exhausted I am, I can never seem to tune out my surroundings long enough to manage it–and believe me, two weeks on a tour bus with 44 rowdy college choir kids (can you say that five times fast?) can get VERY exhausting. But alas, my wired brain hates me. So during basically the entire trip, as scores of my colleagues slumbered peacefully, I was looking out windows, taking embarrassing pictures of snoring friends, and trying to keep my creative process alive by writing, drawing, anything. Because if you’re gonna be fully awake for roughly fourteen days of bus rides, some good should come out of the torture.

I wrote the following poem as we cruised westward through the (highly interesting) Nebraska plains. Between the mental exhaustion, the bumpy road and the nosy friend I had sitting next to me, it was kind of an ordeal, but here it is. My first poem of 2016.

 

Drifter


Outside this humming capsule

of reclining seats

and recycled air

the world unfurls in our wake,

pavement skimming its way back to the place

we left in such a hurry.

Beyond barnacle-encrusted windows

the land crawls

and folds over itself,

a vista of gray on brown.

A fresh dusting of snow

drifts, caught between

hills that roll like shallow waves.

Though stationary,

the scene grants them a hint,

a glimmer of life

as the sun’s rays hang

refracted, reflected,

suspended in the air like a million tiny flecks of salt spray

and these once-frozen mounds of earth

become wind-stirred eddies

passing through a drifter’s nets.

A fearful world needs courageous people

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